MY BATTLE WITH ANXIETY!

/

A close friend once asked me, “What’s it like to struggle with anxiety?” “Is it just like having butterflies in your stomach?” I said, “I wish it were that simple.” Every morning, I open my eyes to the reality of a war going on inside of me. My brain is the soldier. My heart is the commander in chief, and my soul, the ultimate ally. Irrational thoughts are the enemy and pose a significant threat to my environment, safety, and well-being. 

I wake up not knowing who will win each day, but I make sure to do everything I can to give my brain whatever it needs to fight. I didn’t always know how to prepare for battle. Because of that, I ended up in the hospital a few times. I didn’t understand what I was fighting, but I do now, and I want to share my story with you.

The majority of people don’t know what anxiety is or how it can lead to depression. People will often mistake it for nervousness. That’s definitely part of it, but it’s deeper than that. Most of us get nervous right before a public speaking engagement, a big test, presentation, interview, or competition. 

For a split second, it feels like you’re about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. You take a deep breath, reassure yourself, complete your task, and then you’re back to feeling normal, but imagine feeling that way all day, every day, for the rest of your life, and you can’t control it. 

What if you had rapid heart rate, shortness of breath, sweating, stomach pains, nausea, trouble swallowing, shaking, and faintness every day, how would you feel? Would you be happy? Would you be able to go about your day like nothing was wrong? When you can’t control your thoughts, emotions, and feelings, that is when panic begins. That is how anxiety attacks and depression settles in. A person with a severe anxiety disorder is in constant worry and fear. Peace doesn’t exist.

I struggle with OCD anxiety in the form of intrusive thoughts. Most of the time, they are horrible, scary thoughts. For example, if I am driving near a cliff, I might imagine myself driving off the cliff. Once the thought runs through my mind, I can’t shake it. It plays on repeat like a broken record. I start to panic. I think things such as, am I suicidal? Why did I think about driving off a cliff? Is there something wrong with me? 

These questions then transition to imagining slitting my wrists, hanging myself, or killing myself in other ways. Every human has irrational thoughts. Most can process them and let them pass quickly. People who struggle with OCD anxiety disorder can’t. Each grim thought transforms into another grim thought. It’s like a virus that multiplies with no cure. 

Am I suicidal? No, but I can scare myself into thinking I am. This is how I ended up in the hospital with my first panic attack. I did not want to die, but I kept picturing myself dying. My body couldn’t handle all the fear imposed on it. I was nervous, scared, and crying every day. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I became depressed and felt like I was in a bad recurring nightmare. This stage of my life is challenging to write about because it’s the most triggering. It’s been almost ten years since I had my first panic attack, and even though I feel better now, I can’t help but cry when I think about how helpless and hopeless I felt. 

I checked myself into the hospital twice. The first time they sent me home with Ativan. I had never taken that drug before. It calmed my heart rate down and took care of the physical affects of my anxiety, but it didn’t make the thoughts go away. A week later, I was back in the hospital, but this time, I asked to stay. I was desperate to know what was wrong with me. 

When I was in the hospital the second time, I spoke to a psychiatrist. He explained what I had was severe anxiety. I was shocked to hear that’s all it was, but I still didn’t understand the beast I was dealing with. I like everyone else, thought anxiety was just butterflies in my stomach. He recommended I stop taking the Ativan and not take any other medications. He said taking medication would be like masking a monster. The reality was, the struggle to control my anxiety would be hard. Still, he believed I could do it without medication.

He recommended I read the book When Panic Attacks by Dr. David D.Burns. This book was my lifesaver. It educated me on anxiety, how it works, and how to combat it. I also discovered the Linden Method, which was a Godsend! Charles Linden’s story and struggle with anxiety was comforting to me because I found I wasn’t alone. There are thousands of people who are just like me and maybe you too. His tips are what got me through the worst parts of my struggle. These two men equipped me with the armor and weapons I needed for my battle with anxiety.

The past ten years have been up and down. Is my anxiety gone? No, it’s not. I wish it would go away completely, but that’s not how life works. Trust me, I’ve prayed for God to work a miracle and cleanse my brain of every horrible thought. Controlling your thoughts is possible, but it’s one of the hardest things to master. The good thing is, I know what I am dealing with now. I’ve educated myself, I’ve gone to therapy and have learned how to take care of my body and listen to what it needs. 

My faith has definitely been tested. It’s normal to question why God allows certain things to happen in our life. I think of myself as lucky that God chose me to share my story with you. If my battle is meant to give someone else hope, then everything I’ve gone through is worth it. My rock, my confidant, my cheerleader, and my best friend through all of this has been Jesus. Without Him, I wouldn’t have the strength to share my story. 

If you struggle with anxiety, you are not alone. You’ve found a safe place here. I want you to know you’re going to be okay. Always remember you have a purpose, and your story matters. You are a gift to this world. Whoever your God is, tap into the love, light, and energy he/she provides. I want to leave you with this passage from The Mirror Study Bible by Francios Du Tois.

“Every invention begins with an original thought. You are God’s original thought. You are his initiative, the fruit of his creative inspiration, his intimate design and love-dream.” “God had you in mind from the beginning. You are his work of art; his poem. Ephesians 2:10.” 

Below are a few tips I’ve learned that have helped me. Please note, I am in no way a medical professional. These are just things that have proven to help me. You should always do your own research and seek medical advice whenever you aren’t sure of something. 

My Tips for Managing My Anxiety 

  1. Learn how to breathe correctly! Breathing is the number one most important thing for me. Taking deep breaths relaxes the body and allows you to reset your brain. If you notice when you’re scared or start to panic, you stop breathing. Download the Calm application to learn how to breathe properly or take up some online yoga classes.

  2. Build out a daily schedule for yourself and stick to it.

  3. Find a creative hobby. Writing is mine. What’s your passion or gift? We all have one. Work on exercising that part of your brain. Make it a part of your daily schedule.

  4. Exercise at least 30 minutes daily and stay hydrated. Drinking water helps tremendously. Click Here to see how much water you should be drinking a day.

  5. Eat a healthy, macronutrient dense, whole foods-based diet. Often times, when we feel lethargic, we feel depressed. Eating the right foods boosts our energy and balances our blood sugar levels and hormones. 

  6. TAKE YOUR VITAMINS. Omega-3 fatty acids, Vitamin D3 and B12, are known to help people battle depression, mood disorders, and promote healthy nervous systems. I personally swear by them, and feel taking them along with eating well, has helped me feel so much better. Below are the ones I take. 

  7. I typically don’t talk about or research anything about my intrusive thoughts anymore. I know not everyone will agree with this, but I learned this from the Linden method, and it works! When I give my thoughts life, they linger longer than I want them to. I understand needing reassurance from people to let you know you’re okay and nothing terrible is going to happen. Still, for me, I’ve learned to let my thoughts pass. Keeping myself on a schedule and focusing on my overall wellness is what I want my brain to focus on. 

  8. Therapy is great to talk about some of the traumas that have caused your anxiety. It’s good to acknowledge them and work through them. However, I found going to therapy to specifically talk about my irrational thoughts, was making them worse. I was keeping them on the surface. So for me, therapy isn’t useful for my anxiety. If you find it helpful, that is amazing! Do whatever works for you! 

  9. Be realistic with your battle. It won’t change overnight, but it will get better in time. Be patient, and make the changes you need to see results.